Trying
by vicctoria
Summary: Have you ever had one of those times you tell him to leave you alone? You tell him to not talk to you, that you need to "breathe". Yet every "pling" from your phone makes your heart skip a beat, and every cell in your entire body hopes that it's from him. And you get just as disappointed every time. I'm so tired of it. I'm just so... tired.


**vulnerable** [ˈvʌlnərəbəl]

_adj_

{capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt}

* * *

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It leaves you so vulnerable, so exposed to another human being. It opens up your chest and your heart, a direct link to _you_, it makes it easy for someone to get in and mess you up. Love truly is weakness.

I have friends that've walked up to me and said "Man, I wish I was in love with someone", friends longing to be _vulnerable_. I don't think they really know the commitment you make when falling in love with someone. I don't think they've ever _really_ been in love, because if they have then they definitely wouldn't ask for something so painful.

I'm sure that their idea of love is the idea you give little girls - the good parts.

The laughs, the smiles, the flowers, the kisses, the hugs and the comfort of being so close to another.

Oh, but that isn't love at all, that's just a tiny little bit.

No one cares to mention the fear, the utter horror, when you realise that this special person might not like you back. No one cares to mention the ache in your heart that comes with every smile he sends her direction or the pain in your eyes from holding back the tears after one more round of his lies.

Why do we do this to our selves over and over again? Why do we fall in love so easy?

I don't even know the amount of times that I've had to tell myself to just stop. To not look at him if it brings me butterflies, and to not let him kiss me if that make me want to kiss him too. It's just plain stupidity, thinking about him if it makes me miss him.

When he calls me, every cell in my body wants to jump up and down with joy and I want to answer it so bad. Like, you wouldn't believe how desperate I get for a _phone call_. It's so embarrassing. I often tell myself to not answer, I don't really know why I mean I really want to, but I guess I don't want to seem weak in some way. Like, when he calls I'm not gonna answer all the time - that will give me the upper hand and make me seem like I don't care if I miss one of his calls. It's all a matter of not being the under-dog.

It isn't supposed to be like that.

Maybe I'm the problem? I mean I'm messed up. Loving him is the best thing that could've ever happened to me - and the worst. Is it really supposed to be this complicated?

I always have this constant worry at the back of my head, Who is he texting now? Is he thinking about her again? _Will he leave?_ It's making me sick, not sick as in "I have to throw up sick" I mean sick as in it isn't good for me, it's tearing me apart from the inside out.

I'm not gonna lie and say that I haven't asked myself "Am I good enough", not just good enough for him - good enough for life. And well at times I kind of doubt it, but it's that doubt that makes me realise that I really am. I really am good enough. Because I have the courage to ask myself what I _really_ think, without hesitation and then await an answer without fear.

The thing with love is, that I heard we accept the love we think we deserve. And I really think that's true - I mean, when he tells me he loves me and look me in my eyes all I hear is a boy with lies escaping his mouth. That's because I don't even love myself, then how am I to believe that someone else does? I accept the love I think I deserve - none.

When he tells me he loves me I know he means it, I just need to work on believing it.

Love is complicated - always has been. But that's one of the wonders with it, it's so different for everyone, no one will ever understand. That's why it's so scary yet so exciting, you never know where it will take you.

Learning to love yourself is the first thing you have to do before being able to love someone else. To accept yourself, who you truly are, that's the key to finding true happiness. Just like Whitney Houston says "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all", I really agree.

So yeah love truly is weakness, it makes you vulnerable, it gives you something that you can lose. Love is fear.

But love is also strength, It gives you something to fight for, something to hold onto.

Love is strength and love is weakness and those two together create the most powerful feeling known to man.

* * *

I don't know what I feel. Or, well, I know _what_ I feel, I just don't know how to express it. I feel sad and happy at the same time. I feel doubt and trust at the same time. I feel worry yet relief at the same time.

It's so strange.

I feel sad because I know that what we have, will also have an end, like everything else in the world. It has to have an end. It's the most natural thing, but I don't know if I'm ready for it. I have a quite strong feeling that we won't hold for that long, we will end this soon - for some reason.

I feel happy because at the moment it's just _so_ good. We see each other as often as we can and we talk a lot. He's super cute and he tells me things that I really want and need to hear. Things like "I hope you know that I really, really like you" "You're beautiful" and "I love you, just the way you are". We kiss a lot and we often cuddle. I just feel so extremely good when I'm with him, everything else but him and me lacks meaning just then.

I feel doubt because I know he's told me this before, and then done terrible things. Things that really proved to me that he thought the opposite of what he said. I know that he's lied about his feelings before, so why wouldn't he now? And I just can't shake this feeling that he's constantly searching for someone else, someone better. I mean, why wouldn't he?

I feel trust because he's really, really _trying_. He's putting his very soul into making me understand that he really regrets his earlier actions. He's really trying to make it better, trying to make me understand that he really likes me.

* * *

Have you ever had one of those times you tell him to leave you alone? You tell him to not talk to you, that you need to "breathe". Yet every "pling" from your phone makes your heart skip a beat, and every cell in your entire body hopes that it's from him. And you get just as disappointed every time. I'm so tired of it. I'm just so... tired.


End file.
